Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
