if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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