Please, let me fuck your mom
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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