Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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