Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
