Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
