were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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