i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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