I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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