If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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