Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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