my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
