Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
