overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
