I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
