When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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