how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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