my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
