John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
