ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
