Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize