no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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