they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
