A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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