The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
