I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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