So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
