i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
