You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
