He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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