I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
