Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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