Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
