one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
