Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize