you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize