So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
