help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
