there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
