Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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