so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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