Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
