If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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