Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
