A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
