Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
