I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
