The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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