Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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