the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
