god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
