James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
