there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
