Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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