so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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