I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
