shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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