Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize