god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
